“ I thought I was okay. I thought I had healed.
My thoughts. So wrong.
But now I know. In their own way,
Volcanoes are beautiful too.
Last week during the new moon, I went through something very negative and have been grappling with the effects of it since. I've been trying to figure out how to move forward by getting down to its cause and how to begin healing what I didn't know was still broken.
It all started with a simple question that left me feeling frustrated, unappreciated and trapped. In tears while driving home I sent a simple text to my best friend and roommate, asking her to pick-up something for the house. I know texts can be easily misinterpreted and that's exactly what happened. Already in a terrible emotional state before texting, her reply automatically put me in defense mode. To make a very long drama-filled story short, the argument left our cellphone screens and jumped into real life. She knew which buttons to press so she did. My reaction that came next however, was so foreign to me. I didn't recognize myself. Crying and yelling at the top of my lungs, I dared her to swing and we almost came to blows. My mind knew I needed to calm down but the rest of me was screaming, "I. AM. SO. ANGRY!" I was boiling hot. Sweat was dripping from my body. I felt the poison spewing out of my mouth and erupting out of my pores but I couldn't stop. I was literally trapped in a state of rage. Eventually, after we separated for several hours, I was able to calm down. We talked it out and apologized to each other as grown folk should and now our friendship is stronger with more compassion for each other than before.
There's so much more to this story but you have the essentials. What happened last week was painful and scary, but I took away so much. I learned that I hadn't actually healed from a previous trauma and as a result history repeated itself. I have a better understanding now of a few of the relationships in my life. From this experience I was able to zoom-out and see what I really need to incorporate and remove from my Self-care practice to evolve, so that's what I am doing. But before I could start anything I had to forgive myself. This step was actually the hardest and is for many of us. As always, inspired and modeling after Mother Nature gave me the answer. It was easier for me to accept my apology to myself when I thought of what happened like a volcano. When it erupts it is unstoppable and destructive, damaging everything in range of its blast. Then afterwards when it cools, it brings fertility, new ground and even materials to build with. I was unstoppable in my rage. I really hurt someone and almost destroyed a friendship, but after the smoke cleared and the lava cooled, new ground was built; stronger ground, so I am thankful.
Giving ourselves permission to make mistakes and heal from self-imposed destruction is an important lesson to learn in our Self-love journeys, and I think I've finally learned it.